Dear Universe

ImageI used to be so careful about the things I wrote.

I wanted to share my story — our struggle specifically with foreclosure. And with illness. And then our cross country move. And then with chronic illness. And then with parenting with chronic illness.

There’s always something going on up in this motherfucker.

Lately it’s been easier to share quick snapshots of our life. But…it’s like adding garlic powder instead of garlic. Flavor is still there, but not the strength. I wanted it to be helpful for other people who might be going through the same things.  But sharing our story never seems to be easy, no matter what my approach.

Although these notes to the universe seem to be easier in small doses, this has been my attempt at being more bloggy, more PR friendly, less wordy, more lighthearted.  I think I’ve got to accept that that might just not be what I’m made for.

I may need to go back to the days when I spent more time and thought on sharing my story. It’s a little more therapeutic for me.

I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer a little more than a month ago. The exact term from my biopsy result is “consistent with carcinoma”….

Before I hear one more time — “it’s the most curable kind” — please, let me tell you — it’s not any less scary for me. 

I have surgery planned a few weeks from today to remove the tumors, and I’m not looking forward to the procedure, hospital stay, painkillers, more biopsies, and healing process.

Being honest about this makes me feel as naked and vulnerable as I will be on an operating table. I’m afraid that the sharks will circle when they know I am weak, because they do.

I’m afraid of my nose ring hole closing up.

I’m afraid of not being able to wash my hair.

I’m afraid of catheters.

I’m afraid of having a scar.

I’m afraid of breathing tubes.

I’m afraid of hospital food.

I’m afraid of visiting hours.

I’m afraid of those socks with the grip bottoms and if someone dead has worn them before me.

I’m afraid something will happen to me and my children will grow up and find this blog and think that I wasn’t the kind of person that was careful and thoughtful about the things I wrote.

And I want them to know that I am.

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