It’s that time again. This is my favorite time of year, it really is. I love the newness, the fresh start, the inspired people everywhere I turn, making resolutions that will make changes in their life for the better. I feel like I’ve just started a race, running closely next to these energetic people; I want to accidentally touch my sides against theirs in hopes that the positivity will rub off on me. Or knock them to the ground so I don’t feel like such a slacker for not having resolutions of my own.
I have avoided making New Year’s resolutions for several years now. Here I am, a week into the New Year, feeling like I’ve missed out on the race because I haven’t been to the gym, haven’t blogged every single day, didn’t clean out my garage, and haven’t started a diet.
New Year’s only reminds me that once upon a time I planned my life with diligence: a one week plan, a one month plan, a one year plan, and a five-year plan. I listed my goals and defined the objectives I would like to have checked off at the end of the year. I didn’t check my list every single day, I wasn’t completely crazy. But, like any well-organized type-A freak, I did refer to my lists regularly to make sure I was on track.
I can pin point several key moments in my life when the map I envisioned in my head became useless. There was the time I quit school at sixteen because I honestly believed a drug dealer would kill me (That’s a true story, my name isn’t really Lala….). There was the moment at twenty-two, when doctors told me I had a heart disease I would never recover from (Assfaces…). There was the second I realized my first husband had no intention of staying my husband. (I’m better off without him, but you know…it *was* a big moment….)
If my life was a map, these would be shredded pieces of the topography, spots of quicksand and jungle in the middle of an otherwise unimpressive reference guide. I never thought of these moments as pivotal when I was living through them.
Except for during New Year’s, when I reflected on where I was and where I wanted to be. My resolutions were never simple, everyday goals. These diligent lists saved me from my personal quicksands. The resolutions acted like rungs on a ladder, each step bringing me closer to where I wanted needed to be when the year came to a close. When the jungle of court cases, medical procedures, the scars from a nasty marriage and divorce threatened to keep me as hostage forever, my resolutions served as my compass, guiding me happily to the other side.
The avalanche of events in the past few years have left me frozen. I haven’t been that determined girl for awhile now. The idea of making New Year’s resolutions as an effective way to map out my journey seems ridiculous; life is simply too unpredictable. Given my present circumstances, the thought of thinking about where I am and where I want to be is too scary and intense. I haven’t completely resigned myself to being lost, buried under a pile of falling rocks; but I know I’m no longer equipped to take on the mountain. I may be again someday, but right now my health and my commitment to a stress free life are more important.
However, I don’t want to be left out completely. I’m sharing my attempt at making New Year’s resolutions anyway. I’m going to fight the urge to make life resolutions and make normal every day goals. My inner type-A is screaming “DONT DO IT, WHAT IF YOU FAIL????!!”, but this is just another exercise in creating a life less intense. Enjoy.
1) Saying “No” when I mean it. I’m not going to hint at no, make faces that show I mean no, make hand signals, gestures, or try to send brain waves to people. I’m going to say, “NO.”
2) I’m going take my heart medicine every day. I suck at this. I may need someone to remind me. I’m depending on my cheering squad to handle this one.
3) I’m going to start talking again. Outloud. To people. In real life. With my mouth. Not my thumbs.
4) I’m going to schedule a regular date night with my husband. Some time off from work reminded me that I might enjoy him more if we actually spent regular time together. And I’ll stop bagging on him on Twitter. *gasp*
5) I’m going to stop referring to my co-parents as “Bastards.” They have feelings too. And what if they are reading my tweets or my blog (HAAAAAY guys!!! I was just kidding!!!!) Carry on.
6) I’m going to fix my passenger side window that is currently being held up by a door stop. There’s also a low howling noise whenever I drive anywhere. It looks super ghetto and makes me giggle, but still…I don’t live in a wind tunnel.
7) I WILL feel safe, sleep well, and STOP worrying. Even when life is not secure, I WILL be. (Ok, so I’m kind of breaking my rules with this one, this is a life resolution.)
8) I will expand my beverage variety and drink more than water, coffay, and sangria. I could probably drink some juice or something.
9) I’m going to go back to Yoga. I’m happiest when I’m stretchy.
10) _____________________________________________. (Insert your suggestion here.)