Martinis Cure Anything

I sometimes get the nicest compliments when people read what I’ve shared here.  It’s encouraging, but also paralyzing.  Not to say that I don’t enjoy compliments…is it wrong to admit that an audience makes me feel validated?Every entry is I’ve made thus far has been the equivalent of my talking myself through my own therapy session.  The upside? No co-pays, no filing, no sitting on a couch with a balled up tissue in my hand.  The downside?  It’s exhausting to review my life so carefully.  I’ve aged ten years in just the past two, and even more in the past ten.  I’ve thought lots about how it affects me to be so honest about the most difficult details of my life.  And it may be time for me to recognize that while they have shaped me, they are not the details that fill my every day.    

My sister, the same one who taught my son how to make Deep Fried Oreos, used to be a bartender.  She is a clothing designer now, but compares any creative endeavor with making a martini.  Everyone likes their martini a certain way, and you never know if you’ve made it just right, but…if it doesn’t get sent back:  It’s a good night. 

Here’s where I’ve been stuck for a while.  Paralyzed.  I’ve now established a sort of weird petition to the universe by relating my most difficult trials.  I feel pressure to maintain the same level of intimacy.  A dozen or more posts go unwritten because I have real fear that I won’t present my thoughts with the same level of depth that I have shared my homeless worries, my bastard rants, my adoration for my children (note:  the term bastards does NOT refer to my children).  The pressure is completely self-imposed and I don’t know why it’s there or where it comes from, but, I’m almost afraid to write frivolously.  I’m afraid that if I don’t express every thought with the same level of clarity, I might accidentally reveal that I don’t know ANYTHING about making martinis……. Ummmm. You know what I mean.  

Depth. Clarity. Intensity.

Any relationship based on these things alone would fail.  Not *just* fail, but come crashing down in a fiery blaze after first destroying everything simple and easy and honest about you me.  I don’t want to have that kind of relationship EVER again. 

So ~~ I’m going to try something new and be a little more forgiving with myself on the edit button, in real life and in writing.  The second part of my sister’s martini theory? If it does get sent back, you drink it and move on.  And:  It’s still a good night. 

Peace.

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2 thoughts on “Martinis Cure Anything

  1. Yes, sometimes it’s just fine to skip making the martini entirely, and have a glass of store-bought sangria. It’s sweet and soothing and pretty, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

  2. I completely understand what you mean about the paralysis of compliments. It’s a healthy that you have distinguished the details that have shaped you from the thoughts & activities that fill your days.

    Writing frees people from the things that bind them, so that they can move forward again. Often the ways in which people respond to other’s blog posts only show a certain aspect of their thoughts. Just in the same way that bloggers thoughts are memes, versus a fixed, immutable point in time. It often only shows a fragment of what we wish to express more fully, but for some reason, do not, due to various limitations — whether it be due to mood or levels of eloquence (which, at any given moment can vary), internal pressure, discretion/privacy, propriety, etc.

    I like your sister’s martini quote. There’s a lot of truth in that; however, non-commercial writing is not like making martinis. You ultimately don’t do it for others; you write for yourself. There’s no kitchen & no customers, so it doesn’t matter if the martini gets consumed or is sent back. 🙂 If people connect with what you have to say, then great. If not, then they don’t get it & weren’t meant to stay in your blog “sphere” of influence.

    Regarding your unwritten posts, you might want to think about starting a private blog diary that’s only for you, or shared amongst a few trusted friends: This way, you can safely express yourself without having to worry about pressure to maintain intimacy or other such factors.

    My blogs also have many posts still in draft form; the posts were never published because I ultimately realized that they are way too honest to post non-anonymously & also probably not for public consumption. They were really meant for only a few trusted people’s ears, or for no one but me. 🙂 Sometimes we write just so we can hear ourselves think aloud, & that’s perfectly OK too. Whatever helps us work things out, right?!

    Also, I think it’s impossible to maintain a prolonged level of depth & intimacy. No one can do that. Not on a blog & not in real life. It’d be an exhausting exercise. So rest assured that you’re not alone in that. Sometimes we just have to let go of those self-imposed pressures & just be for a while. Escape from blogging, escape from other people & their expectations. And even sometimes from our own expectations. 🙂

    Expectations are hampering. So if you write to be free & don’t feel free any more in a particular space, then maybe you can do what I do: I escape into different realms of writing. Try writing with no audience in mind. Or alternative, write for smaller audience subsets, i.e., people who already get your message but don’t expect anything from you, except for to be yourself when you write.

    Cheers,
    -C

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